i really dont want to be bargaining. this has been such a shitty year so far. again! another one!
the last few weeks i keep thinking about when i found out mark was dead.
i hate crying in gross airconditioned bathrooms.
i didn’t want to repeat last year.
i’ll be okay in three and a half months.
so, i’ll see you then.
today felt like a crap day so i just did my best to keep busy. i mostly stood up from 9am this morning until 10pm tonight, except the time i spent driving to get some furniture for kristen’s. she’s at bonnaroo with jasen. a baby is crying in an apartment and i can hear it through the wall, annoying. i tried to make the house look pretty so she’d feel good when she drives back. i just felt so tired and everything’s been bringing me down. maybe tomorrow will feel better. at least everything is manageable right now.
Today I bought a new bed and put it in the new place. It’s massive and obviously too big for me but it’s comfy and nice and luxurious. It makes the whole room look comfortable. Maybe because I have much fewer belongings and I don’t know what else. I’m tired so I’m going to watch buffy and go to sleep. Work at 8 am tomorrow, ugh.
i’m exhausted. i’ve been falling asleep by midnight, waking up at 7,
just want to get back in bed.
I got forwarded a letter from a friend - a break up letter I guess you’d call it. It seemed pretty familiar. I don’t know exactly what to write. I’m trying to figure out if those hallmark sentiments might really know something. Sappy movies vs indie movies. One says you always end up together…the others usually say that just because you love someone doesn’t mean you are meant to be together. I’m trying to figure that out right now. I guess what I am trying to say is…is it possible that there’s one right person to be with? If so, do you just try to live with each other’s faults and make the most of your time together through thick and thin because underlying everything you do have a strong love (emotional connection/chemistry/whatever)? Is the term “love of [my] life” really correct and can I apply it to someone and if so is this just another mile marker in that life together or is this just the end? I’ve lived life like a movie at times and it’s been comforting for the most part because I’ve seen a lot of movies and I’ve seen a lot of possible outcomes, and in most of the ones that involve this much turmoil and love, the characters you watch find some sort of happy or enduring ending together (and then you have shit like Atonement, which I did not see but did read, and I don’t want a movie ending like that.)
Recently, I have moved my cat in with a friend. I moved a table or two as well. That’s about it. I’ve gone to the bar a few times and felt out of place each time. I haven’t exactly missed the internet much because it’s been a pretty disappointing place for someone who doesn’t really like the effort of talking to strangers. Real conversation, I mean. I can fake my way through some chit chat for sure. I don’t have an ending in sight, but I’m really feeling the middle of this movie opportunity because it provides a break from the reality of the last few years and it makes me feel like I have the ability to breathe a little. I like the open-endedness of the future and maybe it’ll mean I can accomplish some of my childhood lists.
Sometimes though I think that the hope for a movie ending and growing old with a soulmate is the one goal that makes me feel like everything is worth living.
another dumb year.
i can’t figure out if i should delete this journal or not. online blogging is probably pretty much just a hindrance emotionally. (not for everyone, of course.)
i really like kid cudi’s version of pokerface.
i hate that i took this time off work just to be sick and depressed.
i did my first ever tequila shots today. it’s my birthday. i think i’m going to change what i’m like for this year before reverting to form.
i ran into B last night. i forgot about him, kind of. i asked bonnie about him a week or so ago. he talked to me like i wasn’t looking gross and greasy and bad skin/stupid gross dirty clothes, at a gas station. when i walked out he pulled his car over and told me happy birthday. i had a minor crush on him for a little while when we first met. he just does way too many drugs to take seriously.
I wish that today and/or yesterday had been spent at weird thrift stores in the middle of nowhere. Or that I hadn’t been so sick yesterday, i could have made it to the wax museum. i’m pretty dumb. my immune system is pretty dumb. love is especially dumb. and the majority of my friends are complete assholes, in response to how dumb i am at picking them.
so i’ve been given the opportunity to have my own space at jasen’s. he’s got his head in shelves and desks, i’ve got my mind on artwork. for the two people who comment on my blog, what do you think? the room is deep red with ivory carpet, has a cream & wood loveseat and a piano currently taking up residence.
gross out of the day:
the number of sex offenders staying at the myric motel in huntsville (there are 18 registered and listed). GEEZ. what kind of rate are they offering there? i’m ridiculously creeped out. they must have some special powow for rapists/child molesters going on over there. how many rooms does this place have?
No, I cannot adequately explain how I end up making posts like this.
I didn’t get that table I liked, by the way. I drove out to see it, the drive was nice and it was actually nice to see my mom for a little while. I met her new dog, a pitt mix named Mama. She was so timid and scared of movement and sound. I felt bad for her, especially because she looked like she’d had a rough time. She was rescued from a breeder who was throwing her out on the street.
The table and chairs were in Elkmont, it took me a little while to get there. The couple was nice but the table was a repro (something I must have overlooked) and was made of that really crappy chipwood stuff that falls apart easily. The top was a little warped and…I don’t know, something about it just screamed crap. I guess I was missing the integral thing I love about those kitchen sets - nostalgia. It just seemed like a sad ripoff with zero memory recall. So I asked them halfheartedly if they’d be willing to knock off some of the price and they firmly said “thanks for visiting!”
I finally stopped at this freaksome “thrift store” on the side of the road in the middle of nowheresville. I’d passed it for years going back and forth to Florence and back then it was a falling apart wood building with rugs and tapestries hanging everywhere off totem poles in all sorts of weather. I honestly thought that the guy there might be pushing me so adamantly into the back so that he could skin me alive and add me to his collection, and I’m not sure why I actually entered the creepy creaking wood rooms. I thought I might fall through the floor a few times too. But it turns out he just really really wanted me to look at his insane collection of grimy wares. I bought a chair that reminded me of childhood, and a few things that made me feel more like I was getting someone’s life than a knick knack. I went by the limestone flea market as well, where I was mistaken for someone else by a j-pop/anime crazed peddler. I don’t remember much else about the day except that i missed my friend. I saw a lot of things that reminded me of him although I don’t think he would have liked any part of the day. it’s a weird chain of thoughts to wish you could share something you know they’d hate. I got him some things anyway. It was on my mind.
I kind of wanted some sort of birthday recognition, I wasn’t sure why but I think right now it might just be because it meant i got to share something with J-sen. but that’s all fallen through a rotten floor. So I invited the town friends over for friday to drink a few beers and eat some grilled food over a few hours’ chatter and that way i can feel like i did something for my birthday, but i won’t have to actually tell anyone it’s happening and i can get away with it because it’ll be a week early.
i must think i’m so smart.
my back itches and i tried to build a fire tonight downstairs but it just burst into flame and warmth and pride before dying, all in the space of three minutes, to my dismay. now, my dog is snoring and i’ve greedily turned on the heat and i’m warm and snug in bed with the laptop and my down comforter cave over me.
i ate so much i made myself sick.
Rainn Kelly